I am in the weird place

Fisrtly, if you havn’t read my previous post ‘no mans land’ then this one may be confusing in parts, so check that out first.

This morning I posted a mental health awareness status to FaceBook.

CW: depression

You know that little 10 second window of time when you have just opened your eyes and you’re trying to adjust your brain to your timeline, the first question is ‘What day is it…? Oh yeah, Wednesday. Ugh.’ And then the reality of what your day has in store dawns and all slots into place in your head…

At the moment, mine goes: ‘What day is it…? Oh yeah, depression. Ugh.’ And then the reality of what my day has in store dawns and all slots into place in my head… going to be a hard one, pretending I’m fine for everyone else.
Another day…

#mentalhealthawareness #itsoknottobeok #andysmanclub #itsoktotalk #youarenotalone #letstalkmentalhealth

Note: An awareness post, not in need of advice.

I got a call from my doctors yesterday.
I didn’t tell anyone about it because, I dunno, just because I didn’t want them to push me to call back I guess.
I was able to take the call but I didn’t, I just watched it ring off and hoped they would leave a message.
They didn’t.
So it can’t have been important.
I almost feel like it’s a close friend who has broken my trust and I don’t want to even allow them the opportunity to make amends because it still feels raw.
Like I had opened up to them and told them something incredibly personal and then they used the information to hurt me in some way.
I know that sounds odd.
But that’s how it feels.

I am well aware that it is important for me to get the help I need and avoiding the doctors does more harm to me and doesn’t achieve anything more than that.
It’s a complicated beast, depression.
I wish that when I am feeling ‘good’ that I could use that energy to fight for my care but when I am in the ‘up’ phase, I genuinely believe that I am never going to be depressed again and so there is no point in going.
And, of course, there are always far too many other things to do and focus on… ALL THE THINGS! (Something I will go into another time!)
When I inevitably crash, I realise that I was looking through my ‘manic’ lens and of course depression comes back.
It is impossible for me to feel that way during the good part.
My ‘depression me’ is generally much more level headed than my ‘manic me’.
But when I am ‘manic me’ I don’t see it that way. At. All.
Manic me is never level headed, but when I’m there, I am convinced I am 100% level.

Now, however, I am in the weird place.
The place between.
More down than up.
I am feeling a productive buzz of ‘wanting to get things done’ whilst also not having the ‘get up and go’ it requires.
I am not so down that I want to lay in bed all day and cry.
I am not so up that I can’t see that i’m not down.
I am not so down that I don’t want to do anything.
I am not so up that I can do all the things.

So I am using this weird place to gently do some things.

The weird place happens rarely and when it does happen it’s short because it is so delicate.
It’s like I am on a tight rope and balancing pretty well.
One side is manic and one side is depression.
All it takes is a small breeze to send me plummeting to one side, which is why it is so short lived; It all depends on what happens today.

Thinking outloud (as I am liking this analogy) and elaborating on the two sides… Far beneath the tight rope there is a wall that divides the two phases.
Manic has a door to depression that is only one way, but I just need to trip and fall in, it’s that easy, because it doesn’t have a solid door it has those swing doors you see on old cowboy movies.
Except the hinges only open towards depression.
So it’s easy to stumble into depression, but it’s not as easy to get back to mania.
The only way to get back to mania is to climb a pretty high ladder over to the other side, it’s a struggle, but sometimes good circumstances can help me climb up quicker.
Sometimes I head straight to mania… Sometimes I can grab the tightrope and end up there for the day and then fall straight back to depression.
Which is why my depression lasts longer than my mania.
Generally, getting from place to place takes weeks.
Sometimes though… all these things can happen in just one day!

Anyway, I promised to write more about my journey to diagnosis, so that is what I am doing.
Apologies if it reads as a bit of a ramble but I will allow that in these posts as I need to show my ‘truest brain’ working.
As usual, there will be a disclaimer at the end of these posts.
I hope this one helps, whether it resonates and makes you feel less alone or whether it helps you understand someone else better, it’s all good.

the weird place

Important note:
Please do not offer either myself, or any other commenters, unsolicited advice.
This blog series is purely here to offer support and encourage discussion on how painful and frustrating it can be to get a diagnosis for mental health issues.
I have not yet had an official diagnosis for Bipolar, hence theses posts.
For more information on that, please read my post called ‘no mans land’.
Not everyone’s mental health issues present in the same way or feel the same way. This is my interpretation of my own personal experiences.
I will not be offering advice.
Please seek help from a medical professional.

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